It's Too Late
by almondcashewnut57
Summary: How a high school confession sent a boy down a long road of depression, heartbreak, and regret.
1. Chapter 1

Kageyama wiped the sweat off his brow and grabbed his water bottle, taking a long drink before setting it back down.

"Good practice today!" Daichi clapped Kageyama on the back. "You too, Hinata." He added as the short boy bounced by. "Keep it up, and we'll go to nationals yet!"

Hinata grinned. "Yes!" His eyes glowed, and Kageyama could feel the anticipation radiating from him.

Kageyama knew he dreamed of going to nationals, to stand on the same court as his idol, the Little Giant. He knew Hinata fantasized about flying across the court, fans whooping as he scored one spike after another. Of their team's black banner hanging high above them with the white characters that spelled out "_Fly_."

Kageyama dreamt of that court too, but his fantasies were different from Hinata's. In his visions, he would set the ball, and it would zoom across the court into Hinata's waiting spike. He saw Hinata's expression of exhilaration as he swung, and the bright-eyed smile with which he would face Kageyama and say "One more!"

Kageyama wanted to stand on that court with Hinata.

He'd been in love with the boy for a long time, since the first time Hinata had yelled "Kageyama!" calling for the ball, then spiked it, trusting Kageyama completely with bringing the ball to his hand.

He had gotten closer to Hinata slowly, becoming his most trusted partner on the volleyball team, the greatest teammates. But it was only within the club. Outside of team activities, Kageyama never hung out with Hinata. The friendly, energetic boy had his own friends, and Kageyama, the socially awkward one, had none. Every day after practice he watched Hinata leave, running off to class with his friends.

He wished Hinata would wait for him after practice. "Oi, Kageyama! C'mon, let's go!" Then he'd get up and they'd stroll to class together. When it was time to separate Hinata would look up at him (maybe with a slight blush?) and say "See you later, Kageyama!" the rush off to his class, and he would stand there a moment longer, watching the boy's retreating form, before he went into his own classroom.

He looked around the gym. As usual, Hinata was pulling his jacket on, getting ready to leave. Tanaka and Noya were with him. Tanaka said something and rubbed Hinata's head affectionately, to which the boy laughed.

Then practice was over, and the group dispersed, heading out the gym door. First Hinata, followed by Noya and Tanaka, then Kageyama. The third years brought up the rear, locking up the door as they exited.

Hinata turned around and waved at the team. "Bye!" He said energetically, then pivoted and dashed off towards his classroom.

But today Kageyama wouldn't let Hinata leave like usual. He turned and bowed stiffly at the rest of the team, then ran madly after Hinata, his bookbag bouncing in his hip with every step.

"Hinata!"

The orange haired-boy skid to a stop ahead and looked back. An expression of fear manifested on his face as he saw Kageyama approaching.

Kageyama stopped when he reached Hinata and bent over to catch his breath. Then he looked up.

"I'm sorry Kageyama, whatever I did, I'm sorry, so please forgive me Kageyama, please?" Hinata began blubbering like an idiot. Kageyama felt his own flushed face. He must be making a scary expression again. He tried to make his face as neutral and harmless as possible.

"Um…"

He hadn't planned this far forward. It was all on impulse, like all his other moves. But now his instinct faltered and he didn't know what to do because he had never gotten this close to spilling his heart out to Hinata and his heart was beating out of his chest and he didn't understand it at _all_.

"Ah…"

Now Hinata took a step back like terrified prey in the shadow of its hunter. "Ka-Kageyama, your stuttering is scary."

Kageyama took a breath. Then another. And then he blurted it out.

"I like you, Hinata."

Hinata looked in confusion. Then he cocked his head. "Kageyama?"

"I like you, Hinata." He repeated it again.

"I like you too, Kageyama." But Kageyama could tell he didn't get it.

"_I like you_."

"Wha?" Hinata watched Kageyama in confusion.

"_I_. _Like_. _You_."

And then there was silence. Kageyama's heart was in his throat, and he couldn't breathe.

"Oh," said Hinata. "Oh. _Oh_."

And Kageyama stood there, awaiting the verdict.


	2. Chapter 2

And then there was silence. Kageyama's heart was in his throat, and he couldn't breathe.

"Oh," said Hinata. "Oh. _Oh_."

And Kageyama stood there, awaiting the verdict.

* * *

Hinata stumbled back. His knees fell out from beneath him, and he sat down in the dirt. Kageyama stood hesitantly before extending a hand.

Ignoring it, Hinata gazed up into Kageyama's eyes. "You're kidding, right?"

He withdrew the hand slowly. "No."

"You're kidding."

Kageyama shook his head.

"Stop fucking with me." Kageyama's skin tingled as a cold breeze blew past. Hinata stared, intensely, unmoving, icily. A smile manifested on his face; a cruel, unforgiving sneer. Kageyama recoiled, his stomach as heavy as lead.

"Guys don't like guys," Hinata said, his voice treading on the brink of hysteria. "That's a sin. That's a disgrace. Kageyama, you're a disgrace. A disgrace. A mistake."

Kageyama was frozen. He leaned back as if to run away, but Hinata's commanding gaze kept him there. The boy pushed himself off the ground and slowly rose, and looked up into Kageyama's eyes.

"I trusted you Kageyama." The words pierced his heart. "I _trusted_ you. Yet all this time, you've been _lusting_ for me." He spat the words out. Then his tone became dangerous and quiet.

"It's a pity. If you'd kept quiet, we might've played together again."

Then Hinata picked his bag up from the ground and slung it around his shoulder, turned, and walked away.

It was five minutes before Kageyama could adjust his slipping bookbag back over his shoulder, turn around, and walk home.


	3. Chapter 3

"It's a pity. If you'd kept quiet, we might've played together again."

Then Hinata picked his bag up from the ground and slung it around his shoulder, turned, and walked away.

It was five minutes before Kageyama could adjust his slipping bookbag back over his shoulder, turn around, and walk home.

* * *

His parents called him that evening. Why did you skip class? They asked him. This isn't like you. Is something wrong? His mother coaxed him. His father told him to get his act together.

So the next day Kageyama went to school.

He walked slowly, wavering, pausing to kick the occasional rock or stare at a bird circling above. He didn't look at the gym, which came closer, and closer, until he was at its base and no matter how hard he tried, he could avoid it no longer.

Each step up the stairs was a mile, and Kageyama's backpack was as heavy as his heart.

He paused again at the door, hand lightly grasping the handle, pushed halfway down. He felt Hinata in there. He'd have to face him. And he couldn't run away.

All he could do was pray for the best.

He pushed the handle down completely and opened it slightly. It creaked, and Kageyama flinched.

Inside, he heard the familiar squeak of shoes on the wooden floor, the impact of hands on volleyballs, and the balls bounce against the floor, roll, and come to a stop. It felt all so familiar, he almost forgot about yesterday.

He pushed the door open slowly and stepped inside. Heading directly for the corner to set his belongings down, Kageyama avoided eye contact with all his teammates. He placed his bag in the very corner, quarantined from the other bags.

He was hesitant to join practice, so he fumbled around his bag as if looking for something. Then he untied his shoe and tied it again. Then repeated on the other side.

And then there was nothing else to do, so he crouched on the ground, away from his teammates, hoping not to be bothered.

"Kageyama." In his dread, Kageyama had failed to notice the gym go dead silent. The air conditioning never felt so cold as he stood up, slowly, and turned to face the voice.

He didn't look up. He knew who it was. He knew what was coming. Looking up would only engrave the malice in his teammates' eyes in his mind for eternity.

"So," Daichi said. "We heard -"

_You're a homo_. Kageyama's mind filled in the words on its own. He couldn't hear Daichi. He couldn't look up. He couldn't face his teammates.

"Well," He faintly heard Suga. "Some of us are . . . uncomfortable . . . with . . . you know . . ." He trailed off, then took a step back. Daichi filled the gap.

"Answer me, Kageyama." Kageyama flinched from his stern, chilly tone. "How have you been looking at us? As teammates? Or as your romantic interests?"

His mouth opened, then there was no turning back. "I . . . thought of you as teammates." His throat was dry, and he could only whisper.

Tanaka laughed sardonically somewhere behind Daichi. "That's what they all say, isn't it?" Kageyama winced.

"Kageyama." Daichi's voice was hard, with no emotion. "Kageyama."

His voice cracked. "I . . . I swear . . ."

Then Daichi's voice cut the tension and split Kageyama's heart in his chest.

"You're off the team."

Kageyama froze. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak. His mouth opened, then closed. His knees threatened to give out beneath him.

"I'm sorry, but you've gotta see where I'm coming from." Daichi shrugged. Kageyama nodded slightly.

"Well looks like the faggot King's gonna be gone," Tsukishima chimed in. "How do you feel now, King? Sad? Depressed? Your volleyball career's done, homo."

"Tsukki . . ." Yamaguchi said, his tone pleading, "It's alright . . ." He trailed off when Tsukki didn't respond.

"Don't get us wrong, you're a great player, but . . ." Suga interjected again. "We . . . we just . . . can't."

They stood there for a good minute: Kageyama with his head down, Daichi staring intensely at him.

Then, even though every cell in his body bade him not to, Kageyama turned and reached for his bag, in a daze. He picked it up, slinging it over his shoulder. Then he headed towards the door. His mind was clouded, in a state of vertigo.

"Wait," Daichi called after him. He stopped and turned. "Your jacket."

Kageyama looked down and saw that he was wearing his Karasuno volleyball jacket. "We'll need that back." Daichi held out his hand expectantly.

Kageyama removed his bookbag strap from his shoulder and slid the jacket off reluctantly, letting it dangle on his forearms a little longer. Impatient, the captain reached for the jacket and yanked it off him.

Red in the face, Kageyama snatched his bag and, not bothering to sling it over his shoulder, walked towards the door. He could feel Sugawara's guilt; Asahi's pitying look; the coldness from everyone else.

Just as he reached the exit, his eyes left the ground for a moment and he looked up. Hinata was there, staring coldly, heartlessly, unfeeling. Kageyama swallowed the lump in his throat and ran out, slamming the door behind him.

Even as he ran home, he couldn't erase the sight of Hinata from his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Just as he reached the exit, his eyes left the ground for a moment and he looked up. Hinata was there, staring coldly, heartlessly, unfeeling. Kageyama swallowed the lump in his throat and ran out, slamming the door behind him.

Even as he ran home, he couldn't erase the sight of Hinata from his mind.

* * *

This time, his parents video called him. _Tell us if something's wrong_, they bade him. _Please, son_. His mother asked if he was sick. His father shook his head.

So Kageyama returned to school again.

It wasn't until he arrived at school that he remembered he didn't have to get there an hour early anymore; he wouldn't have morning practices any longer. Kageyama looked towards the school to see if it was open yet. The classrooms were all dark.

Looking around, he spotted a bench. Kageyama walked over to it and sat down. The morning air nipped his nose and his face was red and chapped.

He knew his former teammates were practicing because he could see light pouring out of the gym window, the same window he and Hinata had once peered through together while banned from the club. Back when they first met and had an aggressive rivalry. Back before he fucked everything up.

It was cold. The sun had not yet risen. Kageyama didn't move. His breath was like smoke in the air.

Half an hour must have passed, and the first rays of light shone through the darkness. Kageyama continued sitting there until he remembered that Tanaka tended to be late to practices, and he should hide because he didn't want to see his teammate. He ran and sat down behind a bush, just as Tanaka came strutting up the road, toast in his mouth. Kageyama heard the door open, then slam shut.

Feeling relieved, he stood up and dusted off his pants. Then he made his way to the bench and sat down once more.

"Kageyama?"

A shiver went down his spine, and he whipped around to see. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw it was Kiyoko, kind, quiet Kiyoko. Beautiful Kiyoko, whom all of his teammates had a secret crush on. Kiyoko who wasn't his manager anymore.

"Why don't you go in to practice?" She inquired.

_They must not have told her yet_, he realized. _She doesn't know I've been kicked off the team. She doesn't know I'm gay_.

His throat tightened. _When she finds out . . . she'll never speak to me kindly again . . . _

Kiyoko stared questioningly at him. Kageyama couldn't speak. He didn't know what he could say. In a panic, he shot up and was off, running as fast as he could away from Kiyoko and his teammates in the gym.

Then he leaned against the school's brick wall and slumped down, out of breath and holding tears back. He sat there until the school opened and the first students began trickling in.

The first part of his day was alright.

He had managed to avoid all of his former teammates around the school, walking through crowds as not to be noticed, taking a different route when he saw them in the halls. No one approached him; no one tried to talk to him.

_It's not like I had many acquaintances anyways_, he thought. _I've never made friends in my life._ He'd only had teammates. His teammates were the only people he socialized with, the only people he'd open up to. The only people who'd bothered to get to know him. And now he had nobody.

Once he glanced out the window during class, and he saw Hinata smiling with his friends outside of the club, smiling with the same smile he had faced Kageyama with. Kageyama's eyes stung, and he quickly turned away. He never looked again.

Then lunchtime came, and his life became hell.

"Hey," a voice came from behind him. Kageyama punched a number into the vending machine before turning. There were three people there, second years. He was taller than all of them.

"Disgusting fag."

His milk fell down inside the vending machine with a thud. Kageyama didn't pick it up.

"I can't believe you like guys," the one in the center said. "How does that even work? Disgusting."

"I bet he wants to shove it up Hinata." Kageyama recognized one of them; he was from Nishinoya's class. The boys all laughed at the comment. Kageyama felt a surge of rage, of shame, of helplessness. He wished they would go away. He wished he would disappear.

He edged away from them slowly, leaning away from the boys. Then the one closest to him spoke.

"The world needs to be cleansed of dirty people like you."

The words hit home, and Kageyama felt like he'd had the air sucked out of him. He didn't know what to do and hesitated. Then his shoulders slumped and he strode away quickly, his face burning, the milk left inside the vending machine.The boys quickly moved aside; Kageyama was still physically stronger then they were, and it would not do to tangle with him.

As far as Kageyama was concerned, he was now an outcast, a fag, and nobody in the whole world could comfort him.


	5. Chapter 5

The words hit home, and Kageyama felt like he'd had the air sucked out of him. He didn't know what to do and hesitated. Then his shoulders slumped and he strode away quickly, his face burning, the milk left inside the vending machine. The boys quickly moved aside; Kageyama was still physically stronger then they were, and it would not do to tangle with him.

As far as he was concerned, he was now an outcast, a fag, and nobody in the whole world could comfort him.

* * *

The world no longer revolved for Kageyama. He saw colors, but they were gray. He ate food, but it was tasteless. He existed, but he didn't live.

He no longer dreaded school. No, it wasn't dread. To him, it had just become a tiresome chore. The same as taking out the trash, or vacuuming the house.

His parents didn't call anymore; he wasn't skipping school. Because parents always assume everything is alright unless you tell them it's not.

Without volleyball, his physical condition began to atrophy. He no longer drank milk religiously, avoiding the vending machine where he had encountered the second years completely.

His grades continued to plummet from Cs to Ds. Class assignments went from half completed, to not attempted at all. The zeros kept piling up.

Kageyama sat in class one day, uninterested, as his English teacher gave a lecture. He fiddled with his pencil, peeling the wood away from the lead. Crack. A piece fell, exposing more of the black core. He dug his nails into another piece and broke it off as well. Half of the pencil was now black, and only half the wooden shell clung pathetically to the lead. He went to tear off another piece but felt a sharp prick in his finger. A crimson drop oozed out, slowly increasing in size. A pick of wood had lodged itself in his finger.

The classroom phone rang, and his teacher answered it. "Hello? Yes, I do." She looked at her students. "Of course." Then she hung up.

"Kageyama." Kageyama looked up from his pencil. "The vice principal wishes to speak with you."

He picked the splinter out of his finger and set the remainder of the pencil down, next to the wooden shards. Then he got up, wiped the blood on his black pants, and went to see the vice principal.

In his office the VP lay in wait, eager to crush the volleyball club member. Ever since they'd gotten off on the wrong foot, he had been waiting for a chance to get back, to deprive the boy of what he loved most. He'd been keeping an eye on the boy's grades for months, waiting for them to dip low enough for him to swoop in and inflict punishment upon him.

A knock resounded on his office door. He quickly adjusted his toupee and cleared his throat before calling "Come in!" He took a sip of his drink and spun around in his rolly chair.

The sharp-eyed boy opened the door and walked in. The vice principal watched with displeasure. "No bow? Is that how you address the higher ups?"

The boy stopped and faced him before dipping his head in his direction. The VP huffed. That child had become even more disrespectful since their last encounter.

Then he sat down in the chair opposite to the VP without being given so much as a word of consent. The vice principal sulked again.

Either way, he proceeded with his speech. "I'm sure you know," he began, "that your grades are plummeting."

The boy did not respond, which made him uneasy, but he carried on.

"I see that you've stopped turning in assignments altogether recently. Your test grades are even worse than before." He was answered with a tense silence.

"In addition, I've had reports that you don't pay attention in class. Several teachers have notified me on this inappropriate conduct." He was getting heated now. "You've skipped school twice. You routinely show up late to all your classes." When still no response, he dug desperately in his mind for more offenses by the student. "There have been rumors of you threatening other students."

To which the boy flinched, and the VP felt a flicker of hope.

"Due to your declining academic performance," he rang in with the well-rehearsed lines, the ones he'd honed to perfection in his mind, in preparation for this day. "I have evaluated the circumstances, and regret to inform you that you must abstain from all club activities until your grades are improved." It rolled smoothly off his tongue, and he reveled in satisfaction for a moment before looking to see the reaction.

"I think," the boy said, "there's been a mistake."

The VP tensed. Had he gotten the wrong kid? No, it was definitely him. The overpowered volleyball club member who had bickered with the orange head and hit his toupee with a volleyball. Had he jumbled his words? He frantically recalled what he said, but could find no error.

"I'm not in the volleyball club anymore."

To which the VP's mouth went slack and he sat there in shock, utterly flabbergasted that his eloquent speech had all gone to waste, disappointed that he wasn't able to get back at the boy.

During that time, the student rose from the chair, excusing himself, and quietly exited the office.

Not until after long after he'd left did the vice principal think to ask why he was no longer on the team.

When Kageyama returned to class, the pencil he'd left on his desk was gone.

He took his seat again, and once more fell into a state of uncaringness. Without a pencil, his hands lay uselessly on his lap.

The girls next to him were passing notes. They scribbled something on a pastel pink piece of paper, slid it to the person beside them, and then they would write something on it and slip it to another girl. In this way the note made its way in an arc of girls around Kageyama, from the one sitting in front of him to the one directly behind him. Then it would be passed until it reached the first girl again. They giggled like fools every time it came to them.

Eventually they became careless, and failed to detect the teacher's presence when she came near. The note was confiscated. His teacher scanned the writing, scrunching her brows, the giving Kageyama a weird look before returning to the front of the class. The girls around him turned red and looked away from him. The one to his right put her head down, but occasionally snuck looks at Kageyama. He was indifferent to their peeks.

Then the bell rang and he got up to leave. Just as he exited the class, he caught a glimpse of the girls who'd sat around him, clustered together, laughing.

The day flew monotonously by. As the bell to his final class rang, Kageyama grabbed his bookbag, which he hadn't opened except once to get a pencil earlier, and prepared to go home.

He took his usual route, walking down the hall and out the building, then turning and walking past the gym. The door had been left open, and as Kageyama walked closer, he got a good view of the practice inside.

A volleyball bounced loudly inside, then rolled out the opened gym doors in front of Kageyama. Kageyama heard Tanaka groan "Hinata, what'd you do that for?" and the latter's flustered "Sorry!" Then Asahi said "I'll get it," and came through the door.

The ball had stopped in front of Kageyama, and when Asahi picked it up, their eyes met.

Kageyama's instinct told him to run, to get away, but he didn't want Asahi to think he'd been spying on the practice. So he stood there, looked away, kicked at a rock that wasn't there.

Asahi also froze like a deer in the headlights, squeezing the ball tightly between his hands. His lips were parted as if he was to say something. But he looked away.

So Kageyama put both his hands in his pockets and walked deliberately around Asahi.

Behind him, he heard Asahi run back into the gym, and Noya complaining "What took you so long?" then Asahi's awkward reply of "Sorry, it got stuck in a bush!"

He walked on, because he didn't care anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Behind him, he heard Asahi run back into the gym, and Noya complaining "What took you so long?" then Asahi's awkward reply of "Sorry, it got stuck in a bush!"

He walked on, because he didn't care anymore.

* * *

Kageyama changed his usual route home.

Instead of walking past the gym where his teammates practiced after school, he went around the school and came onto a busy street, which he walked on until he came to a street that branched off. That street lead to his neighborhood.

He began to adopt this route on the way to school as well. Since this distance to travel this way was nearly double what it had been on his old path, Kageyama also started riding his bike to school.

His enthusiasm in everything was gone. Most nights he didn't eat dinner. When he did, it was always one of the spare packs of instant ramen lying around. After school, he lay on the couch, homework assignments went undone. Because he didn't care anymore. About school, about the future, about life.

One day, when he was at home, the phone rang. From his lounging position on the couch, Kageyama reached over lazily and grabbed it. He waited silently for a voice.

"Kageyama?"A woman's voice, his mother's, ridden with static from the phone. "Kageyama?"

"Yeah."

His mother was silent for a moment, waiting for Kageyama to say something more, maybe ask how she was doing, why she was calling. Kageyama said nothing, so she continued.

"Yesterday your teacher called us. She's concerned with your recent drop in grades."

"They've always been low," Kageyama responded immediately.

"I know honey, that's why I said your recent _drop_ in grades. Honey, they've plunged. She also said she was worried that you weren't paying attention in class. You've become even less interactive. What's the matter?" She sounded stern now.

"Nothing, mom."

"Well if nothing's the matter, why do your grades keep dropping?" Her tone was borderline irritation.

"It's really nothing, ma. I've just been really invested in volleyball recently." This lie surprised Kageyama himself, and his heart panged.

But his mother believed it, and her voice softened. "Aren't you always. How's the team been?"

"Great." Once the first lie came, the rest flowed uncontrollably. "We just won our first practice match against Nekoma and won another with Aoba Johsai. Hinata and I are working on another attack. He sends his regards." Kageyama nearly choked on the last one, and his eyes stung. He blinked rapidly.

From the other side of the phone, he heard his mother chuckle. "Well, it sounds like you've been really busy. I'm going to let you go now, but make sure to put more effort into school. Get your grades back up."

"I'll try." Another lie.

"Also, tell Hinata I said hello and hope he's doing well. He's always so cheerful. You must like having him as a partner."

Kageyama's throat contracted, and he was silent. If he spoke now he would regret it later. His eyes burned, and he closed them. Using his shirt, he wiped the liquid from them.

"Hello? You still there?" His mother asked.

He forced himself to regain his composure and responded, wiping the last of his silent tears away.

"Yeah, Hinata's a great partner. I'll tell him you said hi."

When he hung up, he felt the tremendous burden of guilt in his heart, weighing him down with every beat.

When he rode his bike to school that morning, he was even more distracted. Twice cars had honked at him for crossing at the wrong time.

All he could imagine was going to school and seeing Hinata, remembering that his mother asked him to tell him hello but too scared to speak to the boy. What would Hinata do if Kageyama were to go up to him and say "Hey Hinata, my mom sends her regards to you." Would he smile, since he had nothing against her mom, and accept the greeting? Or would he remember that this was the woman that had borne Kageyama the Fag and say "Fuck your mother," then walk off?

What was he to tell his parents if his grades didn't improve? Kageyama gripped the bike handles tightly. His knuckles turned white.

It felt like he was leaving his old life, the one where he played volleyball in bliss with his teammates, and had entered a new one. One where everyone was against him and every action took him further from his old life.

He pedaled furiously.

And he could never return.

He had to cross one more road, this time the main road that he had been riding on. Kageyama veered sharply to the right, coming a few feet short of the crosswalk.

He looked at his watch, continuing to pedal, and saw he would be cutting a close. He picked the speed up a notch and looked back up.

Just in time for him to be bowled over with his bike, metal colliding with metal and flesh.

Bright lights. Screeching. His body was burning. Metal in his mouth. Numbness. Something on his head.

Then blackness.


	7. Chapter 7

Bright lights. Screeching. His body was burning. Metal in his mouth. Numbness. Something on his head.

Then blackness.

* * *

Kageyama opened his eyes, and he was burning. The cold air hit his eyes and they burned; he moved his leg and it burned; he writhed in pain and his shoulder burned. The searing feeling overtook his body and he screamed, but his throat burned and his airways burned so no sound came out.

Then he felt a weight on his arms and legs and he couldn't move anymore. It felt cold, and he recoiled. The coldness tightened and he thought it would overpower him; crush his lungs. His chest was ripping, tearing, and his eyes bulged in agony.

There was a film around Kageyama, and everything outside was a hazy blur. All he could decipher was white. Everything was very white. White figures moved around him, strings hung above him like cobwebs. He shut his eyes tightly, then opened them again. He saw double and swiveled his eyes, trying to focus his vision.

Suddenly, he had one of those moments. The ones where your vision clicks, and you see everything in its perfect, crystalline form. Where - even if only for a moment - you understand it all.

But it was only for a moment - and Kageyama's mind clouded again, but he had seen enough.

_I'm in the hospital_.

He tried to raise his head, but the weight on his limbs was still there and he stayed down. Kageyama could tell now - they were nurses, pinning him down to the cot. Kageyama wanted to call out, to ask them why he was here, but he couldn't speak.

Someone grabbed his arm bound it. Kageyama squirmed, trying to see it, but a nurse pushed his head down and held it. Her cool hand was like an antiseptic to his soiled, sweating forehead.

Then he felt a pinch on his arm, and his was out.

Kageyama came back to consciousness with a hand gently shaking his arm. He blinked, then closed his eyes again. His eyelids burned with red. The hand shook him again, and Kageyama tossed his head in annoyance. It made his shoulder hurt and he winced.

Then, like a ray of light cutting through the darkness, he heard a feminine voice say "Kageyama Tobio."

By instinct, he jolted awake and looked towards that was still groggy, and blinked several times into the bright light.

He saw a figure, blocking out the bright lights, which glowed white behind it. It was a woman. Kageyama thought she looked like an angel.

"How do you feel?" He was too disoriented to reply. "I'm your doctor."

"We've contacted your school about your situation. They should have notified your parents."

_No. No, not my parents. Don't come here. Stay away. Keep believing in the illusion I've made. If you come, you'll find out the truth._ But he nodded at her.

"I'm going to give you an update on your condition." He kept looking at her, and she continued. "You've dislocated your right shoulder. You're covered in road rash, and," she paused to look at her clipboard. "You've shattered your patella. Kneecap." She clarified.

_What's going to happen to me? Will I be alright? Can my leg be fixed? _

_Will I still be able to play volleyball? _

His mind raced with questions to ask her, but his mouth couldn't handle them all, so the only thing he uttered was "What?"

"You've shattered your kneecap." She repeated. Then she reached down to tap her knee. "This."

His breath hitched.

"It's a severe leg injury," she empathized.

Kageyama couldn't breathe.

"You may never be able to run again."


	8. Chapter 8

"You've shattered your kneecap." She repeated. Then she reached down to tap her knee. "This."

His breath hitched.

"It's a severe leg injury," she empathized.

Kageyama couldn't breathe.

"You may never be able to run again."

* * *

The doctors had operated on him.

Before, Kageyama had prided himself on his remarkable control over his body. He could command his legs to carry him right to the volleyball, his hands to reach up to meet it. With the slightest flick of his fingers, he'd sent the ball in whatever direction he wanted to.

Now he lay flat in bed, his skin pallid and dark rings showing beneath his eyes. Kageyama lifted and hand above his face. It trembled. He reached it towards the fluorescent lights above him as if to grab them, but his scrapes hurt and he let it fall.

There was a knock on his door. Kageyama turned his head to the side and tucked his arm back under the sheets.

A young nurse opened the door, and a black haired woman rushed in. His mother. She also had dark circles beneath her eyes. Her hair, always immaculately pulled back into a sleek ponytail, was frizzed and held back by a headband. Her brown trench coat was unbuckled.

Kageyama swallowed. His mouth was dry. He bit his lip and blood welled as he tore the cracked skin.

His mother immediately went for Kageyama, her heels clapping on the tiled floors, and bent down to look at him. She brushed his hair out of his eyes and stared into them.

His heart heavy and body aching, Kageyama forced a smile. "Hi, ma."

His mother's hand froze. Then she blinked rapidly and looked away. She wiped at her face with her arm and sniffled. Kageyama lay in silence, wanting to comfort her, yet also removed and distant.

"Tobio," his mother started, but stopped again and sniffled. "You might n-never play volleyball again." Then she burst into sobs again.

Kageyama looked the other direction. Had this been the Kageyama of two months ago, he would be shattered at the prospect of never playing again. But now . . .

He let his mother fret over him, but he was only half listening the whole time. When she left, she planted a kiss on his head and promised to call him often, to which he smiled and nodded.

Then he stared at the ceiling some more and tried not to think about his future.

Suga and Asahi visited the next day.

The nurse escorted them in, then left and shut the door. The three were left in awkward silence. Kageyama stared at the bedpost.

Suga spoke first. He smiled cheerily, but there was a strained undertone to it. "Hey, Kageyama! How's your leg doing?"

Kageyama had never expected any of his former teammates to speak to him again. The only thing he could utter was "It's fine." His voice was raspy.

"I hope you feel better," Asahi contributed quietly from the side. Nobody said anything more, and he shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"Well, I brought you your school assignments," Suga said and put a stack of papers by his bed. The top sheet was from his English class. "But don't worry about them until you feel better. Alright?" Kageyama nodded.

"We also brought something else for you." Suga looked at Asahi, who hurriedly handed him an item. Suga unrolled it.

"Here." Kageyama couldn't believe it. In the third year's hands was his Karasuno Volleyball Team Jacket.

"We pooled together some money to get it back for you," Suga said. His smile was more relaxed now, more genuine. "Because you're our teammate." He draped it over the plastic chair by his bed. "I'll leave it here."

Kageyama wanted to tell him thank you, but his throat was choking up and he could only nod. Suga and Asahi left. Asahi waved slightly as he exited.

Then Kageyama buried himself in his covers and sobbed his eyes out.

As she had promised, his mom called him later. She asked about his condition, and if he was resting well.

"I'm also wondering, Tobio," she said. "As to why you were by the highway anyways. You always went through the smaller roads before. And you've never ridden a bike to school before either."

His heart stopped, and he dug frantically through his brain for answers. "Uh . . ." Nothing came to mind, so he began piecing together parts, trying to find one that would fit the situation.

"The road was really muddy that day," he stated hesitantly. "And it was raining hard. I didn't want to slip and injure myself, so I took the long way, and the bike so I would still make it in time."

He heard nothing on the other side, and looked into the phone nervously before placing it back by his ear.

There was staticky breathing from the other side, then his mother responded.

"Okay," his mother said.

There was a long pause.

"Well, I should rest now," Kageyama said.

"Goodbye. Take good care of yourself.

"I will. Bye mom."

There was a click on the other side, and Kageyama placed the phone back onto the nightstand by his cot.

And then a sudden thought crossed his mind.

_How will I get to school? _

A week went by. Kageyama's doctor came to see him every day and took notes on his condition. His mother brought him his laptop and volleyball magazines. Asahi and Suga didn't come by again.

He began to look at other high schools and the neighborhoods by them. Houses that were close to the school. Kageyama went to look up the volleyball teams at the schools, but stopped himself with a sigh.

Next time his mother called, he had a proposition.

"Hey ma," he started. "Right now, it's a long walk for me to get to and back from school."

"Mhm." his mother agreed from the other side. "I've been thinking about that too."

Kageyama cleared his throat nervously and took a deep breath. "Well, I've found an apartment that's closer to a school."

"That's wonderful, Tobio." his mother said. "Where is it? Can you send me its information?"

He swallowed. "It's . . . it's in Tokyo."

There was silence on the line, then his mother spoke. "What?"

"The school's in Tokyo," Kageyama said. "The apartment is also in Tokyo." Kageyama paused. "Mom, you and Dad have always wanted to live in Tokyo." He pleaded.

"Honey, why do you want to go to Tokyo? You've been happy here at Karasuno. What about your teammates? Your friends? Won't you miss Hinata?"

Kageyama's throat choked up and his eyes stung, and he was glad his mother couldn't see him from the phone. "Yeah, I'll miss them," he whispered. "But I want to go to Tokyo."

His mother sighed. "Well, I _do_ want to live in Tokyo." She paused. "Alright. I'll speak to your father, then we'll see what can be done."

"Thanks, mom." Kageyama hung up.

Two weeks later, he said goodbye to everything he had ever known and went to start his new life in Tokyo.


	9. Chapter 9

Two weeks later, he said goodbye to everything he had ever known and went to start his new life in Tokyo.

* * *

"_Hinata, why did you hug that boy?" _

_Hinata turned to look at his mother and father, who looked sternly at him from outside the sandbox. He shrugged. The sun glared from above, casting shadows on their faces. It reflected off the sandcastle he had made. He and his friend had built it together, and it was the biggest sandcastle ever. They decorated it with pretty pebbles and leaves they had found. A beautiful princess lived in the tallest tower. _

"_You shouldn't hug other boys." his mother reprimanded, walking towards him. His father nodded in agreement. _

"_Why?" Hinata asked. "I like him. He's nice and we're friends." _

_His parents exchanged looks. Hinata's mother reached her hand out. "Come. We're going home." _

_Hinata took it hesitantly and left the playground. As they walked towards the road, he looked back. Kids were trampling over his sandcastle. He felt his eyes well with tears but held them back. His parents didn't like crying. _

"_Hinata, are there any girls you find attractive?" _

_Hinata set his bookbag down on the chair and rubbed his hands, bruised from volleyball. He shrugged, then grabbed a snack from the cupboard. "Why?" _

"_Well, it's about time you began to feel attraction towards girls," his mother said. "So I was just curious." _

_Hinata thought about it. "I don't really like them. Besides, I'm too busy with volleyball." _

"_Well, if you don't like girls, then who do you like?" his mother put her hands on her hips, and her voice had a menacing edge. _

_Hinata shrugged again. "I guess Izumi is nice. He always helps me with volleyball." _

"_No!" Hinata jumped, startled at his mother's reaction. He watched silently as she paced in a circle, arms crossed. _

"_Go to your room," she ordered. _

_Hinata stood stupefied before turning and walking down the hall to his room. He shut the door behind him. Outside he could hear his mother call his father, then them talking together. _

_Hinata regretted not grabbing his bag. He had homework to do. _

"_Hinata, I'm very disappointed in you."_

_He hadn't meant to do it. Hinata had just been browsing through the internet. He had just graduated from middle school and had free time. _

_Hinata saw an article. Something about LGBT. So he clicked on it. At the top of the article was a picture of two men kissing. _

_Then his mother walked in. _

"_I'm going to tell you this, and you're going to remember it," his mother said. "Homosexuality is evil, a sin. A man should be with a woman. Never consider a romance with a man. Never have lustful thoughts for a man. If you do, then you are a disgrace and a mistake." _

And so Hinata went into high school despising the LGBTQ+ community and everyone in it.

"_I like you, Hinata." _

Hinata shook his head, clearing the memories from his head, and pedaled his bike even harder. He kept it up until he arrived at school.

He could never let his parents find out.


	10. Chapter 10

And so Hinata went into high school despising the LGBTQ+ community and everyone in it.

"_I like you, Hinata." _

Hinata shook his head, clearing the memories from his head, and pedaled his bike even harder. He kept it up until he arrived at school.

He could never let his mother find out.

* * *

"Hey, Tsukki, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tsukishima twirled his pencil. "Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"O-okay."

He looked down at his career questionnaire. Then he leaned back into his chair and sighed. A boy behind him groaned. _Can't figure out what to put_, Tsukishima thought. _Indecisive fool_. He glanced over at Yamaguchi's sheet. Yamaguchi had written in scrawly handwriting all over his. Tsukki closed his eyes.

Tired of waiting for the laggards to finish, he rose and left the classroom, Yamaguchi looking on curiously as he went, but not following. Tsukki stuck his hands in his pocket and rounded the corner to the restroom.

"Hey, Tsukishima!" Tsukki knew that high pitched voice. He ignored it.

The orange haired spiker bounced up behind him. "So, you finished your paper early? I did too!" He twitched his eyebrow in annoyance. "Be quiet, idiot."

"What college are you going to, eh Tsukishima? I'm going to Tokyo University! And you? Hmm?"

"Tokyo," Tsukki turned to face Hinata for the first time in their conversation. "Isn't that where Kageyama went?"

Shrimpy only tensed slightly, but Tsukishima was accustomed to reading people. "Just saying." He added with a shrug.

"Anyways," Hinata repeated, a forced jauntiness in his tone. "Where are YOU going?"

He shrugged. "Somewhere." Then he walked back to his classroom, leaving Hinata alone in the bathroom.

Hinata clenched his fist. He'd never forget the day the VP came into his classroom, whispered something to his teacher, then left. She stopped the lesson to announce that Kageyama had moved to Tokyo and would not be returning to Karasuno. He remembered the expression of shock on his face, and how he had forced it back into a bored one. How all his teammates asked him how he felt, if he was fine, and his glib response to all of their questions. _Don't worry, I don't care. He's not our teammate anymore anyway_.

Of course he knew Kageyama was in Tokyo. Why else in hell would he go there?


	11. Chapter 11

The warm August wind brushed his cheeks, and Kageyama smoothed his hair back. He looked around the market, where he had come to do his grocery shopping. There were fewer people today.

He wandered the streets, pausing between stalls to examine the produce. An old lady smiled a toothless grin at him from her stall. Kageyama smiled back and bought a head of cabbage from her.

Soon, he would enter college at the University of Tokyo. There would be less time then, he thought, for leisurely strolls like this. He would be too busy with school.

His apartment was conveniently positioned; It was only a single subway ride away from the university. He'd thought about getting a job to help with his expenses. Kageyama had spoken to his parents, who insisted he should focus on his studies, but relented after he persisted. He didn't want to rely on his parents anymore; he felt that he had already imposed enough.

His father had been loath to leave Miyagi; he had grown up near there. He didn't want to give up his house for an apartment in Tokyo. But when he saw how desperate Kageyama had been, he conceded.

Kageyama had left the marketplace as he ambled along, deep in his thoughts. Realizing this, he headed back to finish his shopping.

"Kageyama!"

His head snapped around. It was an unfamiliar male voice. He scanned the area, looking for a familiar face. "Dad?" he said tentatively. "Mom?"

"Because I totally sound like your mother." Kageyama started at the presence behind him. It was a spiky-haired male, dressed in a tracksuit. His cheeks were flushed as if he'd been running.

"H-have we met, sir?" Kageyama asked.

The man let out a kindly laugh. "I guess you wouldn't recognize me. It's been a while." He brushed his hair back with one hand and put the other one on his hip. "Remember Aoba Johsai?"

Then everything came back to Kageyama. "Iwaizumi!" He could see it now: the unruly black hair, sturdy physique. The proud black eyes that he had faced all those years ago on the volleyball court, so determined and fiery.

"Long time no see, Kageyama," Iwaizumi chuckled. "How've you been?"

"Fine. Why are you in Tokyo?" Kageyama asked.

"I've been here for a while," Iwaizumi replied. "For college. I study at Tokyo University."

"Me too!" Kageyama exclaimed. "I mean," he corrected. "I'll be going there in the fall." He looked down bashfully.

Iwaizumi smiled. "Tell you what," he said, looking down at his watch. "If you have time, I'll treat you to something. There's a nice cafe a block down that way," he gestured with his hand. "We have a lot to catch up on."

Kageyama wanted to agree, but then he thought about everything that had happened during high school. All the memories he'd tried so hard to leave behind. The skeletons in his closet.

Iwaizumi saw his hesitation. "Don't be shy," he teased. He started in a direction. "C' mon," he called to Kageyama. Kageyama followed with his uneven gait. Iwaizumi noticed and slowed his pace to match. "Bad accident, huh," he commented. Kageyama nodded.

"This is it." Iwaizumi pushed open the door to a small store. He held it open, letting Kageyama enter first.

The cafe had a warm, homely ambiance. The pair sat down at a table on the side. "You've been here for a good few years now," Iwaizumi said. "Make many friends?"

Kageyama shook his head. "Do you still play volleyball?" he asked.

A waitress came by to take their order. "Cafe latte, please," Iwaizmi ordered.

"Green tea," said Kageyama. The girl left.

"I don't play competitively anymore," Iwaizumi answered. "It's . . . not the same without Oikawa." He scowled a bit when he said the name. He smiled, and Kageyama thought it looked nostalgic. Sad, even. "Do you still keep in touch?" He asked.

"Yea," Iwaizumi replied. "We talk all the time, but it's not the same."

"Um," Kageyama started. "I can't run anymore, but I'm pretty sure I could still set a volleyball. I could put some up for you, sometime."

Iwaizumi grinned. "Thanks."

The waitress brought their drinks. They sat silently, sipping their drinks thoughtfully.

Iwaizumi brought it up. "I heard the rumors in Miyagi."

Kageyama tensed slightly. But Iwaizumi said it with no malice, so he let him continue.

"It was a pity," Iwaizumi said. "Karasuno was still a great team after you left, but it was never the same without their royal setter." He sighed. "The Chibi-chan never did hit as well after that."

Kageyama stared at his cup. _Hinata_.

Iwaizumi laughed quietly. "You know, Oikawa nearly beat someone up at a tournament once because he insulted you."

He almost didn't believe it. "He did?"

"Yea. Guy kept trash talking you, saying it was better you were kept out of the game. The Karasuno people were getting really agitated. I swear Hinata would have skewered that guy if Oikawa hadn't intervened." He chuckled again. " He grabbed him by the collar and started threatening him. I had to force him away. Poor guy was traumatized."

Kageyama cracked a smile. He could imagine that.

Iwaizumi glanced at his watch again. "I actually have to catch a train later," he said. "I'm going to visit Oikawa before school starts up again. So I've got to run now." He called the waitress over and paid the check. Kageyama pulled his wallet out, but Iwaizumi stopped him. "My treat."

"Tell Oikawa I said hello," Kageyama said as Iwaizumi got up.

"I will," he said. "And when I get back, you can set some balls for me." Kageyama grinned.

For the first time in years, he felt whole again.


	12. Author's Note

SOOO I went through my fanfiction and now I have realized how cringy it is . . . yeah. I'm going to try my best to minimize the cringiness in my future chapters, but it might not get much better so don't get your hopes up. But I promise if I ever write any other fanfiction it will be of a much higher caliber. I'm also sorry for the irregular updates. I get lazy. I'm going to update within the next week but I'm having issues because I'm on a trip and there's NO FRIGGIN WIFI so all i do is sit around all day. I mean TECHNICALLY I can do stuff like study but I'd RATHER do other things like watching youtube and who the heck gets stabbed in BTS's i need u MV. But no WiFi. Also to people who have actually stuck through with this cringe story: THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE MAGICAL AND I LOVE YOU SO KEEP READING PLEASE. Also if anyone was wondering (which you probably weren't) I'm not going to be like those other fanfiction authors who discontinue their stories because that makes their readers very sad (been waiting for Catch Perfect for a year now . . . ). I'm also excited because now that their grown up people I can put Hinata and Kageyama through as much depression as my evil little mind wants :D so hooray. It hurts my soul to write this story though because I feel bad for them. Anyways bye.


	13. Chapter 12

He was walking through the streets, kept walking forward as if there was a purpose to it, but knew that at the end of the day he would end up back where he started. Yet he kept walking on and on in the circle, because maybe, just maybe, today would be the day and today they would happen to meet and if he went a different way today, he would miss him.

As soon as Hinata moved to Tokyo, he began to scour the area for Kageyama. He found time every day to search between his classes, went to hotspots in hopes of sighting him. Then every day after school he would go on long runs through the city that left him out of breath, tired, and even more dejected. But he never missed a day, because that day could be the day he finally ran into Kageyama.

His college friends didn't understand why he was obsessed over finding this person and tried persuading him to drop the issue. _Maybe he's gone_, they said. _If you haven't seen him by now, he's probably left_. "No," Hinata always said. "He's here. I can feel it." _Then why don't you use your feeling to track him down? _They retorted. To which he always replied stubbornly "He's here. And I'm going to find him."

One day he returned to his dorm after a run that had left him outstandingly tired and in a terrible mood. His roommates had long since retired, and there was a pile of dishes in the sink stacked high, waiting for him to wash them.

He went into the kitchen to make himself some instant noodles, but found that they had been moved from the first to the third shelf, which was far out of Hinata's reach. In a fit of anger and annoyance, he jumped up in an attempt to reach them.

It was when he fell far short that he realized how weak he had become.

Between his classes and late runs, he had overexerted himself. In addition, instant noodles had been his main sustenance, so he was much deprived of nutrition. The strength he once possessed during his prime had long since disappeared. No longer could he sustain himself on sheer willpower and athleticism, no longer could he soar in the air with every jump.

Realizing this caused something primitive to snap within Hinata. With a shout, he raised his fist and smashed it onto the counter with the remnants of the strength and speed that he once spiked volleyballs with. An annoyed shout came from one of the dorm bedrooms. Hinata yelled back, and then the person was silent. He stood there breathing heavily from the exhaustion of the day and from his anger.

When his roommates woke the next morning, they were greeted with smashed dishes in the sink, and Hinata was nowhere to be found.

Running and running and running. His lungs screamed for air and his every step was hell but he kept running. Sweat streamed down his face; he wiped it off and kept running. His feet blistered, his lip cracked and bled, and he kept going forth with maniacal energy. Felt the stares of people on the street as he passed, but was **too far gone** to care. Ringing in his ears, but didn't stop. Hinata's eyes blurred and his breath tasted like blood when he licked his lip.

The pavement under him turned to grass, then he was in a park. It was the early morning atmosphere when the grass was wet with dew from last night and the sun hadn't risen yet, when elderly folks strolled and businessmen in dark suits cut through the lawns on their way to work.

It came over Hinata like a cloud descending upon a sunny sky, or snow on a warm May day, and suddenly he was fatigued and could not go on. He stopped his steps and stood there, disheveled. His laces were untied and there was a new tear in his shoes. With the rest of his energy he went over to a bench and sat down, wheezing and wiping furiously at the sweat on his forehead. His hot breath froze in the air in front of him and the cold air burned his skin.

People began to file into the streets like ants file out of their burrows. Hinata looked at the sky and saw that the sun still hadn't risen. The more rational side of him had come back now, and he decided to go back to the dorm to apologize and get ready for this morning's class. He took another deep breath, then stood and began to walk back the way he came. In the rush of the moment, he had forgotten to grab his phone upon leaving the dorm, so he had no way of knowing the time. Hinata picked up his pace.

He saw them as the first ray of sun glanced over the sky.

Two adolescents, sweethearts on a morning stroll. They held hands as they walked slowly. The girl was much shorter than the boy, and she looked up at him and the boy bent over to look into her sweet eyes. She clasped his hand with both of hers and they laughed together. The boy walked with a limp, and the girl slowed down to synchronize their steps.

Hinata would know him anywhere.

"Ka-Kageyama!"

The boy looked away from his girl and saw Hinata. He recoiled in shock. The girl looked up too in confusion. Hinata looked at them both in bewilderment.

As the second ray of sun shone upon the three, he saw them. Golden rings, on the respective hands of Kageyama and his girlfriend. They glinted brightly as the light touched them, and they made Hinata sick.

He met Kageyama's eyes. They were bewildered eyes, the ones of an animal hunted by a predator., the ones of a coward. Hinata could only imagine what his own looked like right now.

"Hi-Hinata," Kageyama barely stuttered. He reached out his hand as if to touch him.

But Hinata had seen enough, and he turned around and ran the other direction, away from his dorm, away from the couple. Away from all of his problems.

Hinata vividly remembered the day Kageyama was hit by the car in high school. When the VP came In and notified the teacher, he felt sick to his core. HInata had excused himself from class, sprinted all the way to he bathroom and locked himself in a stall. He leaned against the door, his chest heaving and breathing haphazardly.

Then he began to pray. If he hadn't believed in a God before, he did now and he prayed with all his soul for Kageyama to stay alive, for him to be Kageyama to stop suffering. For things to go back to the way they were, back before Kageyama had confessed, before they had met, before his mother had corrupted his mind with homophobic thoughts. Hell, just let him start life over again, and he swore he'd never make those mistakes.

And as he walked back to his dorm then, he began to pray again. For whom or what, he wasn't sure. But he kept praying, because praying is what you do when you can't solve your own problems.


	14. Chapter 13

Of course his girlfriend wanted to know all the details about him and Hinata.

Kageyama had sat an hour in his room thinking before he finally picked up the phone to text his girlfriend.

She met him in front of his dorm, and together they walked down the sidewalks until they reached a quaint café, the one Iwaizumi had taken Kageyama to. The entire time, his girlfriend kept trying to ease him into the topic of Hinata. Kageyama pretended not to notice.

He went through three cups of coffee before he even spoke a word.

"Are you homophobic?" He asked her.

He told her everything, from the middle school tournament, to meeting Hinata on the Karasuno team. How he'd confessed and gotten kicked off the team. The accident. Everything that he had tried and failed to erase from his memory. His girlfriend nodded and asked questions, and it gave him some solace that she cared.

So she went back to her dorm that night and thought about what Kageyama had told her. Wondered if he'd still love her if his high school crush was here. Then slapped herself and confidently reassured that no, he wouldn't leave her because of a high school affair. Decided that since Kageyama seemed so distraught over it, she would help him tie up the loose ends with that Hinata. She turned over in her bed, cuddling the blankets to her bosom, then fell asleep.

Hinata skipped his classes. He walked the city all day. His feet were sore and his legs ached in angry protest but his mind-body connections must have been off because he felt none of it. If he did, he didn't give a fucking damn because Kageyama was all that mattered but Kageyama was gone.

But did Kageyama matter that much? He obviously hadn't mattered to Kageyama, since he had simply replaced him with a girl, and they were engaged so he must love her. He'd find someone too. Someone even better than Kageyama, even better than his girlfriend.

_Maybe he'll invite me to his wedding_.

He'd decline if that happened. _It definitely wasn't jealousy_, Hinata told himself._ I just wouldn't want to bring back painful memories for Kageyama. But it would serve him right, the arrogant bastard_. But even as he thought that he felt the insincerity, and thought there would be nothing more satisfying than to show up at the wedding. Have Kageyama see his face and be reminded that he might have reached fucking nirvana, but for Hinata the struggle wasn't over yet.

Then he's reminded of everything that happened at Karasuno, and feels guilty again. So he pushed the topic to the back of his mind and focused on sweet nothingness as he walked to the rail of a bridge and leaned over it. Maybe Kageyama had also done this in high school. Walked endlessly, thinking of Hinata. Leaned over a bridge to stare at the water. Thought of jumping.

He stay there as the sun reached its peak and shone on every place in the city except him because there was a shadow over him.

Kageyama sought out Iwaizumi to hold good on his promise. They meet at a gymnasium. Iwaizumi had his old Seijoh jacket. Kageyama had thought of wearing his Karasuno one for old times sake, but the encounter with Hinata the other day had shaken him and destroyed any progress he had made in coming to terms with his past, so he left it buried at the bottom of his closet.

Iwaizumi waved him over, and Kageyama obliged. "Good to see you," Iwaizumi greeted him. "How's college been? Busy?"

He answers with a curt nod and a polite "Yes, there's a lot to juggle." Then a "What about you?"

By now Iwaizumi had definitely noticed something was off with him, but he didn't show it and Kageyama pretended to be ignorant to it.

"Enough with the amenities already," Iwaizumi said. "You said you'd toss for me. Let's go."

They head to a court. Kageyama picked up a ball and gets ready. Iwaizumi got into passing portion. "I'm ready," he said.

Kageyama tossed the ball in a high arc. Iwaizumi shuffled to recieve it, and sent it up to Kageyama before he shuffled out and prepared to spike.

It had been a long time since he'd even touched a volleyball, so he stepped hesitantly, but then the years and years of playing volleyball came back and he lifted his hands confidently to meet the ball. In his peripheral vision he saw Iwaizumi watching the ball. He pushed it up and Iwaizumi jumped to meet it. He slammed it to the court on the other side of the net, and let out a shout of passion. Kageyama couldn't help but grin. Volleyball was the sport to end all sports for them, and nothing could compare to the thrill of being on the court. Being on the court was being _alive_.

"You can set quicks, you know," Iwaizumi said to him. "I'm out of practice, but I can still hit a fast set. If you're comfortable, I mean." He added. Kageyama nodded and took another ball from the cart.

That time when Iwaizumi recieved the ball, Kageyama was under it instantly. He handled it with consummate precision and accuracy, and sent it to Iwaizumi so fast that if it had been silent, the sound of the ball cutting swiftly through the air could have been heard. Iwaizumi was no neophyte either; he spiked it out of the air and killed it on the other side of the net. The ball had so much force that it bounced up once, twice, before hitting the wall and rolling away.

They did this for a while more, then Iwaizumi asked "Hey Kageyama, can we try something?"

Kageyama nodded in affirmation. He hadn't felt this energized in ages, and right then he thought he could run all the way across Japan then still have energy for Korea.

"Can you set those ones, you know, where the ball stops?" Iwaizumi made a ball with his hands as he said this, moved them through the air, then stopped suddenly.

"Sure," Kageyama said.

Iwaizumi went to left back, and Kageyama threw again.

But as he raised his hands to set, he suddenly remembered the training camp in Tokyo where he had perfected it. He saw Hinata's face as vividly as the day it had happened. The day he'd gotten the set just right, and Hinata had swatted it out of the air like a fly. How happy they'd been that day.

Every ounce of the happiness felt on that day was transmuted to sadness now. As the ball arced above him, eclipsing the ceiling lights, Kageyama experienced a tide of emotion, and suddenly he _couldn't_ set that ball.

He sidestepped it, and watched stupidly as it bounced on the ground beside him.

Iwaizumi was mid jump waiting for the ball, but it never came. He looked at Kageyama as he landed. "It's alright if you aren't comfortable," he said. But Kageyama saw the discomfit in his eyes, and brought the corners of his mouth up in a half smile. "Sorry, I was just startled," he replied glibly. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it was just as far from the truth.

Iwaizumi wrinkled his brow in concern. "Was it my pass?"

"No, it was just me," Kageyama reassured him as he took another ball. "Let me try again." He used his shirt to dab at the sweat beading on his forehead. Once again he tossed the ball. As it came towards him, he gave himself a quick pep talk, pushed any thoughts about Hinata into a windowless cell of his mind and slammed the door.

That time Kageyama didn't run away, and the set soared straight to Iwaizumi and stopped. In a heartbeat he hit it, and watched as it falls to the ground. Iwaizumi stood there for a moment before turning to Kageyama in awe.

"That," he said. "That was really cool."

The scene brought back nostalgia of the day long ago, when Hinata looked to him with the same expression and complimented him with such ingenuity that he'd felt dizzy. But he didn't tell Iwaizumi, only smiled and got ready to set another.

They kept on until Kageyama's legs ache and the gym closed.

Hinata was bent over on a bench beneath a willow tree. Next to him sat Kageyama's girlfriend, holding a pink parasol in place over her right shoulder. She was quiet, and once in a while she would scrunch her eyes in concentration. He wondered what she pondered over.

A child running by sent a flurry of leaves into the air. He tries to count the leaves as they fall. One, two, three, but the rest are already on the ground before he can note them. He wished the girl would hurry up and speak. Glancing over, he saw her frown again.

Unwilling to wait any longer, he asked "What did you find me for?"

She turned and gave him a hard stare, but it had an air of uncertainty to it. Finally she spoke a quiet sentence. "I-I want to find out more-more about you and Kageyama."

Of course he had been expecting this; why else would his girlfriend seek Hinata out? She was still looking at him, so he met her eyes with a long and hard look but she kept looking until Hinata's eyes hurt and he averted his eyes.

"What do you want to know?" He asked. Now he was stalling.

The girl uncrossed her legs and sat up straighter. "I've heard Kageyama's side of the story. I want to hear yours."

With a scoff, Hinata pushed himself off his knees and rolled his shoulders back. Sitting up straight, he was a good few inches taller than her. He laughed once, harshly. "Playing peacemaker?"

The girl had a glint in her eyes. "Maybe I'm here for the angsty details. You know, the drama and depression."

Hinata smirked. "Sadist."

"You wouldn't know," she replied.

He had nowhere else to run, so he began to talk for real. "I'm sure you've heard it all. Kageyama confessed, got kicked off the team. Became depressed and got hit by a car, then moved away. All there is to it." Even he himself was surprised that he could say this with such paucity of emotion.

"Yeah, yeah, heard all that," the girl waved dismissively. "What I really want to know," she said, scooting closer to him, "is how _you_ felt about it."

Hinata's throat contracted. Maybe he'd felt guilty. Maybe he'd gone straight home the day Kageyama was kicked off the team feelling hollow and skipped dinner. He'd actually done his homework that night since he wasn't in the mood for festivities. Maybe his chest hurt and threatened to burst every time he passed Kageyama in the hallway at school.

"I was fine," he said bluntly.

From how long it took him to reply, she could tell he wasn't fine. He knew she would be probing deeper.

But the girl stood up and brushed the wrinkles out of her skirt. "Thanks," she said as she began to walk away.

Her action baffled him. "Just going to leave me?" He called. "What about your 'angsty details'?"

"I've gotten them," she replied over her shoulder. The sun bounced off her ring as she stepped out of the shade of the willow tree.

'Oh, really? Because I don't recall telling you anything." Hinata said, as sly grin playing on his lips.

She turns around fully and faces him this time. Hinata looks at her confidently.

A breeze disturbs the leaves on the sidewalk. It ruffles Hinata's orange hair. As he watches, it cards through the girl's hair and blows her skirt. Instead of a reply, she smiles at him.

Then she's gone, and Hinata looks around in confusion but sees no trace of her. He must have spaced out.

He puts his hands in his pockets and gets up, then walks away.


	15. Chapter 14

"No."

She'd kept reasoning with him, but Kageyama's reply didn't change. He'd respond at first, giving reasons like "It's been too long," or "I don't care anymore," and even the more common "It would be awkward." Eventually he'd gone silent altogether, and it vexed his girlfriend until she was on the threshold of tearing her hair out, and maybe his too.

Then he'd had the nerve to walk away from her entirely. Had she any concerns about seeming clingy she would have let him go, but this man was already engaged to her, goddammit, meaning she retained the right to irk him to her heart's content. She followed him and kept pleading but still he still wouldn't relent.

So she gave up on her hopeless fiancé and went instead to the orange haired nuisance.

Whose response was almost identical to Kageyama's (Those two really were similar. No wonder they used to get along so well). But she was never the type to let up, and unlike Kageyama, Hinata was penetrable.

"Funny you guys never met," she remarked to him. "I guess the campus is big enough, but especially since you were looking for him the whole time. It's almost as if he knew you were here and evaded you."

Hinata scuffed at the leaves beneath his feet. "Yeah, well he didn't. I don't know about you, but I thought he seemed pretty surprised upon seeing me."

"Or maybe he was surprised you managed to find him."

"Shut up," Hinata replied with a scoff.

The girl laughed and leaned back onto the bench. "Well? What about it?"

Perhaps it was the guilt that had clung to him all those years, or the longing to see Kageyama again, or perhaps both. Whatever it was, it made Hinata vulnerable; it tore a gap somewhere in his defensive walls, too small to detect and fix, but just large enough to let the enemy in and destroy him.

"Well?" She asked. It reminded him of a business deal, and now was the part where he put his hand out, lips taught in a hard smile to seal the pact. Hinata didn't respond immediately, but pretended to think it over. The girl sighed in exasperation.

"Alright." Conceding made him feel like he had lost to her, and Hinata hated losing. Losing was missing the final shot in a game. It was coming home dejected to your family immediately crowding around you, supplying vain words of comfort. Losing was a lot of things, but it wasn't and would never be Hinata.

"Good." She pursed her lips and smiled. "Now give me your number. I'll need to text you the information." The girl handed her phone over to Hinata. He turned it over in his hand and admired the floral phone case before typing in his contact. He handed it back, and their fingers brushed lightly as she took it. He wiped them on his pants.

The girl smiled as she walked away, eyes on her phone screen. Where Hinata had left a blank for his name, she swiftly typed in "Orange Nuisance". She laughed to herself, then slid the phone into her back pocket.

Kageyama's eyes were lifted to the sky as he walked towards the park. It was a tumultuous sea of smoky wisps, and he forecasted snow in the near future. He could feel it in the air, in the dry harshness of the wind as it nipped at his face and chapped his hands. Some men on a tall ladder were fixing power lines, and Kageyama carefully stepped around the base of it.

In them middle of the park he stopped and began to scan the area. He pulled out his phone to open the chat with his girlfriend. He had been right; she'd told him to meet her at the center of the park. He sat down on the rim of the fountain, the cold stone chaffing against his legs, and waited.

At the same time Hinata was also walking through the park. He took his phone out of his jacket and checked it.

—-

**From: annoying girl **

_[12:17 PM]_

_At the big fountain in the center of the park _

_Good luck ;) _

—

He put it away again and scanned the area for the fountain, even though he had run through the park enough times to find it blindfolded. Then he started towards it, and each step he took was as heavy as his heart. ( ; _ ; )

From a distance, he could see Kageyama's jet black hair, poking out in an unruly manner from beneath his hood. Hinata's own hair was completely tucked beneath a beanie, but he could feel that a few strands had poked themselves out.

He hesitated for a moment when he was in the vicinity of the fountain, contemplating from which angle he should approach Kageyama at. He decided on proceeding from Kageyama's side, so that he would just be within his peripheral vision.

If Hinata had dreaded speaking to Kageyama before, it was nothing compared to the absolute trepidation he felt now. His heart was beating so fast and he placed his chilled hand over his chest in a futile attempt to placate it. And because he was an incorrigible idiot with a short-circuited brain, he decided to greet Kageyama in the best way possible. By walking straight up to him.

Halfway to Kageyama, Hinata realized how stupid he was and that he had no idea what the fuck he was going to say, but he kept going because he had faith that his social instinct would kick in when he reached him.

It was and eternity, but Hinata reached Kageyama. He half wished for Kageyama to notice him and save the pain of having to call his attention. But the boy seemed to have his attention elsewhere, so Hinata lightly cleared his throat in preparation before calling out "Kageyama!"

Kageyama turned, and Hinata shuddered when the dark blue eyes fell on him. The former's muscles went rigid and his posture stiffened as he stood up, squaring himself towards Hinata. And Hinata opened his mouth to speak, but his social instinct must have left on vacation because nothing came out.

Though still tense, Kageyama relaxed slightly. Hinata took a hopeful, tentative step towards him. Then Kageyama drew his face up into a stony, composed visage.

"I don't want to talk," he said frigidly.

Hinata swallowed with difficulty. Out of all the fucking ways the conversation could have gone, of course this was it. "Kageyama," he said breathily. "Please, I want to- I want to- "

"I don't want to hear it," was the cold reply. Kageyama's voice trembled a bit, and Hinata realized. _He's afraid_.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out. "It was all my fault. I'm- I'm sorry. For anything I ever did." Hinata took another step closer and Kageyama backed up, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Stop." Kageyama sounded desperate now.

"i'm sorry about what I said-" Hinata gulped. "You know, the fag stuff. I'm really sorry. And," he took a deep breath. "Sorry for telling everyone about it."

"I don't care," Kageyama was throwing up breastworks as fast as he could build them now. _He's shorter now_, Hinata realized. _He used to be so tall. I could never amount to him. Now I feel like I'm towering above him. _

"Anyways," Hinata stopped advancing for now. "I 'm really sorry. And I know you can't ever forgive me. But," he continued, dropping his gaze to his feet. "I'd like to get to know you again. You know. For all the years of high school we missed out on." He raised his eyes hopefully.

Kageyama looked terrified. "I- I can't," he said. "I can't."

"Kageyama, listen- " Hinata pleaded. He felt his voice growing desperate, and struggled to maintain his composure.

Kageyama shook his head. "No. No."

HInata knew Kageyama had every reason in the world to hate him, to never speak to him again. He knew he shouldn't blame Kageyama for being terrified. But at the moment- and he hated himself for it- but his patience snapped and he advanced upon Kageyama,

"You know what I think?" He said quietly, his voice dripping with emotion. "I think you're afraid of yourself. I think you're scared you'll let me in again, despite everything I've done. You're afraid to dig up everything you've worked so hard to bury. And," he said this last part with particular emphasis "you're afraid of what'll happen to your fiancé." He closed the distance between them in two strides and stared directly into Kageyama's glassy eyes.

Then he saw a tear in the corner of Kageyama's dark eye. It leaked out and trickled slowly down his pale face. Kageyama's lips parted, the closed again and he closed his eyes and turned away.

Hinata was struck; he'd never seen Kageyama cry before. Unthinking, he reached for Kageyama's hand, and Kageyama let him take it. With his other arm, he wiped at the tears dripping down his face.

When he was little and he cried, his mother would wrap her arms around him and hold him until his sobs ceased. Inside them, he felt safe, protected from the rest of the world. It was cozy there and he wanted to stay forever because it was wonderful. His mother may have had homophobia, but she also caring and loved him so much.

_(Random sidenote, the Danish word to describe that feeling is "hygge". It's like my favorite word of all time.) _

And now he wrapped his arms around Kageyama gently. When the other didn't protest, he planted his hands on Kageyama's back and pulled him closer. Kageyama was stiff at first, but gave in at last and rested his head on Hinata's shoulder, sobbing messily and trying to swipe the tears away, until Hinata placed a hand on his head comfortingly and let him cry into his jacket.

He'd thought being inside someone's arms had been comforting, but holding someone in his own was even better.

They talked until the sun turned the color of molten lava in the sky and the city lights began to illuminate the air with halos of gold.

HInata held Kageyama's hand the entire time, giving it an occasional squeeze just to make sure that this was real and Kageyama really was here. Kageyama kept turning to look at Hinata with a muted disbelief, but also with hope. Hope for a new beginning, for another chance. For their story to have a plot twist where they finally find happiness.

And when he looked at Hinata's face, framed with soft light and carrying an expression of such tenderness as he had never seen before, Kageyama began to think it could be possible.


	16. Chapter 15

Hinata received one too. The honor of your presence is requested on this special occasion. It came in a dainty little envelope in the mail, completely innocent looking and not betraying at all what horror lay inside. He'd opened it unsuspectingly, even cheerfully, when it had come. Now he was facedown on the bed, deeply inhaling the scent of the covers as he tried to empty his mind of anything.

And he didn't feel like getting up, so he curled into a ball on the bed and fell asleep hoping that he'd be alright when he awoke.

But of course, waking up just initiated a pang of nostalgia. Hinata closed his eyes against the dusky sunlight streaming in through the window. The vellichor had gotten to him. He glanced over at the clock, ticking away the seconds on the wall. He looked away after a moment, but he couldn't un-hear the ticking.

But as much as he didn't want to do anything, Hinata needed to get up, because if he couldn't now, he'd probably remain in bed forever. Besides, it was against his values to leave issues unaddressed. So, however begrudgingly, he did drag himself out of his niche.

Then as he made himself a cup of instant noodles, he felt a strong spasm of liberosis, gnawing away at him from the inside. His hands were cold and he felt numb as he moved to cover the noodles, and he suddenly wished he could just not care.

"Hey ma, why did he look so happy? I thought he was sad. "

His mother looked back at the man, still sitting on the bench. He was sitting a little bit straighter now, compared to when they had first seen him. Hinata saw him smile ever so slightly at his mother.

"You see Hinata, the saddest people are made happy by the smallest things because they aren't used to having any light in their world. How do I explain this," she stopped walking and placed a hand on her forehead, then slipped it back into her pocket. "Once you've felt sadness, you can really appreciate the moments when you are happy."

"Oh." He said.

Maybe one day I'll feel that way too.

Well if now wasn't his time of sadness, then he didn't know what could be.

His fucking happiness better be coming.

Because he was a good person, Hinata felt pressured to go to Kageyama's wedding.

He'd told himself repeatedly that he wouldn't be bitter over it. That they were on friend terms and as a fucking friend he was morally obliged to be supportive of Kageyama, even if it twisted his own heart into knots.

Through his window, he watched a postman go up to the door of a house and leave a package, without giving it so much as a knock. It's a sad world, he thought, when even the postmen are too lazy to just ring the doorbell and maybe wait for a person to get the package, and greet them. And when you accidentally make eye contact with a stranger they look away awkwardly before you can even smile.

What do I even do this for, he thought angrily. I'm always upholding my values but every day I go out and see people doing godawful things and I ask myself, "Why do I still do this? Why the hell do I care? It's not like I can save humanity by being good. Why don't I just join them? It'd make life a lot easier.

Then his doorbell rang, and he went to answer it. Kageyama was there, not completely smiling but his eyes were hopeful and suddenly Hinata decided that he would uphold his morals no matter what because there were people out there that were worth being good for.

"I wanted to know how you felt about it."

Honestly, he was confused about it too. "I don't know," Hinata replied. "At first I was kind of shocked, I think, maybe a little angry. Then I got over it."

Kageyama's brow furrowed a little and his hands clasped tightly, but then his expression softened. "You're really fine with it?"

Hinata had only ever been a tree in a play before, but his acting in that moment was definitely Oscar-worthy. "Don't be so concerned, Kageyama," he said, beaming. "I'm just glad we figured out our relationship. Besides, your fiancée is a cool person." he grimaced slightly at the last part and Kageyama grinned.

"Okay," he said, getting up from the table. "That's all I wanted to ask."

Maybe it was the effect of time, or maybe it only worked on the volleyball court, but Kageyama's people reading skills had really atrophied. Hinata leaned back in his chair and ordered his brain to stop thinking because it hurt his heart.

Author's Note: Maybe it's because I was listening to Awake by BTS Jin while writing this (which is a fricking amazing song, totally listen to it), but I was like feeling lowkey depressed as I wrote this. And like as I was writing a package guy came up to our house and didn't knock. I kinda miss the days when they actually did. Then I felt really sad so I just started writing all of my woes from the viewpoint of Hinata. I'm also concerned that Kageyama is a little too. . . out of character.

Also sorry for the delayed update. School's been great.

LOL just looked at my original story plan and Kageyama was supposed to RUN OUT OF THEIR WEDDING. I don't think that anyone could write that and make it not cringy. Not even like, the people who wrote Gutters and re della moda and Catch Perfect and Dancing on Quicksand, which you guys should totally read because they're actually good fanfictions unlike mine lol.

Also just to clarify, Kageyama is actually like really in love with his fiancée (I did not know that fiancé is for males and fiancée is for females. The more you know . . .).


End file.
